Freak the Freak out Friday

today just has not been a good day.

yesterday i thought things were going great, until some mommy judging happened during a reasonably heated debate between a group of mommies. however, there is a difference between being opinionated and straight up mean. when you are a mother, you just DO NOT tell another mom that they DO NOT care about their chidren, that's just a mommy no no. i am more than confident in my mothering skills, because my daughters tell me everyday that the love me multiple times a day, with tons of hugs and kisses, they are attached to my side all day every day, they are parts of my heart walking around in the real world. so screw that mommy. but, this debate brought up some past experiences where i've had some very bad encounters with people who weren't mommies. there is an app on facebook, "honesty box"- after i completed the vonblon's family with isabella in 2007 i received TONS of horribly mean rude messages judging me for the decisions i had to make for myself, my daughters, and their lives/futures. shortly after i moved out of my house, i got a physical letter to my house, it was anonymous but the things said in that letter, canNOT be forgotten or forgiven. so while this mommy debate didn't bother me too much, it just brought up everything from my past and THAT in turn sent me into my questioning state. 

i had a huge fight with my husband this morning, and for what i have no idea other than the fact that i am so overwhelmed with everything going on in my life that i just snapped this morning. the girls will be meeting the nanny on sunday after abi gets home from her weekend in valpo with jhordan and amy. (can't even talk about her being away for the weekend without tearing up- so we'll come back to this another day, i'm not used to her not being here- and especially not 3 hours away, this is a hard day for mommy.) i am trying so hard to become an adult in the course of about a month. meaning i want to get the house organized and feeling like a "home", get some flowers planted, get the girls into a schedule, more craft time, and more time with them in general before i start working in june. i also want to fit in a good date time with the hubs because we barely see each other and when i start working it will only get worse. i'm trying really hard to get more in touch with mommies out there, because lord knows i need some help working out these ideas in my head. and anyone who can help me save money, get the girls on a good schedule without making me lose my mind, and ways to fit time in with the hubs when the girls go to bed- ugh, so much going on in my head i don't know how to separate it all. hahaha. <3

oh well, tomorrow i'm going to go to dinner with a friend of mine and her family/friends after her college graduation ceremony! i'm so proud of her, i wish i could make it to the ceremony but with one car, limited funds, and a sicky daughter just doesn't work too well- :(

i'm just glad i'll be seeing someone, an adult, other than my kids and/or family/husband. that is one thing i am definitely looking forward to when i start working, is the adult interaction ill get to have again- so excited for that; the drama of how women are; not so much. hahah.

tomorrow if it's nice i think i'll take caydee for a stroller ride to the park, and then maybe some swing time. hopefully it'll be nice enough for that because i'm tired of being cooped up in here.

also! abi got her costume for her big shows.

this is her costume for a ballet dance called "Skittles"

 This one is the one she will wear for a tap dance called, "Hot, hot, hot"

They are both super cute and I can't wait to see her with them on, her hair all done and make up too, performing on stage in an advanced class for her on her FIFTH birthday :( i put a sad face because the realization that my baby, is no longer a baby, but an almost 5 year old little lady who is rapidly turning into her very own person that will have her own place in this world is sinking in more and more every day and it's breaking this Mommy's heart, why do they have to grow up?

Why can't they stay like this forever?

Dear Abigail Elise,

You are Mommy's angel, and I love you more than anything in this entire world. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you. You are the reason that my heart beats and the reason that I go on each day. I can't believe the time has come for you to turn 5, and I am honestly not ready- will I ever be ready for each passing milestone, probably not- but this one is hard. You're turning into who I can see in the future, in the way you do things, the way you talk, the way you act- I can see what I'm going to be dealing with in the next 10 years, but I also know that those 10 years, just like these last 5 will fly by. And I hope that I am half as lucky as I have been in the time I've shared with you, the moments I've NEVER missed, and the things that I can't get back in this last 5 years. I know you can't wait to grow up and do whatever it is you want to do today, but don't rush it- I made that mistake and now I'm living my childhood and everything through you, enjoy it while it lasts- it goes too fast. I love you, my angel, and you will always be my babygirl.

With all of my love and all of my kisses,

One VERY proud, happy, and sentimental Momma

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

That's been my Freak the Freak Out Friday, hope yours was better- remember, follow me, share me, tell your friends- I need all the help I can get, I'm slowly but surely creating the change within me, what are YOU doing to create the change within you???

PS: CLICK ON THE ADS ON MY POSTS AND OR BLOG PAGE- it does NOT spam you and you do NOT have to buy anything, just clicking the ads makes me money, and we can all use extra money. Thanks!!

❥❥❥ xo. 

overWhelming Wednesday.

oy.

haha, that's how i'd like to describe my feelings for the things that have happened since my last post.

my grandmother, who i swear has been in the hospital like 6 times already this year, is in the hospital once again, so please pray for her speedy recovery and that they FINALLY are able to figure out what is actually wrong with her. i hate seeing my grandma going through this, and that i can't be there for her as much as i'd like to be. which breaks my heart and makes me feel like a horrible daughter/granddaughter (since she raised me, she's more of a mom)

i found out that my dad, who i just saw like a month or so ago for the first time in over 13 years, is having a court date soon- which i have mixed feelings about. if you knew the story, you'd understand but that is entirely another post in itself. haha. basically, he got his time cut- instead of getting out in 3.5 years, he gets out in 1.5 years. which, considering that he's dying is a good thing, because it means that i (and my family) will get more time with him, and we may be able to get him the help that he needs so that we can get his liver and whatever other issues, i just- idk. so many emotions rolled into one when anything involving my dad is brought up.

today- was just overWhelming in general. i had so much to do. i had to go to kroger, to meet abi's paternal grandmother and pick up some money to take to the courthouse so that i actually am getting some sort of payment on child support, since idk, there's not been a payment since friggin november. which- he gives me some stupid lame excuse every single time, and blames it on the state and/or the counties incompetence as he says. just man up, pay the bill, or sign over your rights. you moved 3 hours away to help a relationship with your girlfriend, instead of doing the right thing and making a better relationship with your daughter. your girlfriend would have understood that if she loved you as much as you claim. ugh. don't even get me started- he URKS me to no end with his pathetic lies and wasting of my time.

then i took caydee to dance class, and she did great minus the few times she sat down to play peek a boo with me. hahaha. after caydee's dance class i went to visit my hubs at work in the yucky rain to take him a drink, and then we went back to dance class- but this time so miss. abi could dance. i sat in the car with caydee, like last week, and abi seems to do better that way- so that's nice to know. they both got their practice dvd's today- so i have a feeling this mommy will be learning lots of ballet/tap moves. haha. and abi got her costume today, so cute!

today marks the second week of my clinicals term, which means now i have to start participating in "clinical discussions" that are meant more to prepare me for the in office clinicals/externship coming up in about 5 weeks! i can't believe that in 3 weeks i find out where i'll be interning/externing. it's happened so fast, and i'm starting to really feel like a grown up! so scary!

i signed up for swagbucks and instant cash sweepstakes today to make any extra money that i can. you should look on my blog's page to find the widget's containing the info on those :)

now, i'm finally at home, the girls are in bed, the oven is preheating for pizza and cookies, the hubs is on his way home (thanks to my FIL for bring him home), and i can't wait to just relax.

today has been a busy, overwhelming day, but it's almost over, and that means one day closer to the weekend. <3

happy wednesday blogger friends.

how was YOUR wednesday???